Saturday, September 15, 2012

I'm OK!

This has been such a tricky thing, the art of telling people news that isn't life threatening but is definitely life altering.  I want you all to know that -

I am OK! 

This blog is going to have many emotions as I progress down this unknown road but the bottom line is I am doing well.  In fact when I called my brother last night to tell him the news I couldn't stop myself from telling jokes and making light of it all.  Because as I have said before, I'm not worried.  Even though I was shaking as I talked to him due to nerves it wasn't all-consuming or overpowering.  It was just hard news to pass along.  It was important that I clearly convey to him that they are not saying it is genetic.  From one parent to another that is our greatest concern. 

Although side note: my kids will have to now have regular hearing checks more frequent than normal.

So if its not genetic, not cancer, not an accident or head trauma then why doesn't the unknown bother me?  Because the unanswerable is an answer.  I'm not in control of this and I am only along for the ride. 

All of you know Chris and I had struggles having children.  In those times I would allow fear and sadness to take over my thoughts and change who I was.  I became bitter before Carter came along towards those who had children easily and on demand.  My relationships suffered and my behavior was self destructive.  After having Carter you would have thought those demons would have been put to rest but that was not the case.  Instead I allowed them to once again corrupt my mind as I desperately wanted child number two.  Funny how when I would finally give up control and realize that I didn't have any to start with that all of a sudden I would fall pregnant.  These things happen, this order amongst the chaos. 

This time I am not even going "there".  I don't dwell on what my life might end up looking like or focus on a one track minded search for a timeline.  Instead I choose to be.  To rest in what seems like my life plan. 

The lists I made on day one are there because I had to get them out of my way in order to continue moving forward.  They are fears that I legitimately have and always will but things that I do not look at and let get me down. 

I have a few Pollyanna's in my life and everyone knows that I am not one of them.  In my mind I know that everything will not be fine and that there will be tough times when I struggle, but with certainty I know I will make it through.  Wading as I may through all the mud attempting to only finish the race, not come out clean. 

So I'm OK!  I'm still me, not broken, not in need, not dying but most definitely working through some hardships and I appreciate you all coming along for the ride.