Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Vertigo Wheel

Round and round I go...where I land nobody knows.

Vertigo sucks.  I can take a lot of crap but dizziness is not one of them.  In the middle of the night I woke up with my head spinning in chaos.  Instantly my pulse rate accelerated and nervousness set in.  A glance at the clock showed 4:00am.  Then I felt my husband finish his turning over and instantly knew that the slight motion of the bed had set off my vertigo. 

My gaze shifted to my bedside at the hearing aids.  It seemed odd but the difference in my balance with or without them seemed profound to me.  Perhaps I was going to have to start wearing them to bed.

That morning when I woke it was as if a Mac truck had run me over.  I was clammy, nauseous and dizzy.  I felt like I was hungover only I had not drank any alcohol.  Quickly I put in my hearing aids hoping that this would start to balance out my world.  It worked a little bit but not like I would have expected.  Slowly I hydrated myself and took my time getting around for work.  Luckily it was a nanny day and she helped out with the kids. 

As I moved slowly without interference I reflected on my health.  The feelings I was having toward this onset of spinning was quite different than anything I had felt so far with regards to my hearing.  It was a very strong concern and an immediate wanting for it to go away.

In fact this morning when the vertigo hit I began to pray immediately and my first gut instinct was asking God to make it stop.  I remember telling Him that I needed to be able to take care of my kids and that I did not have time to be ill.  Yesterday when I found out that Chase was sick, instantly I asked God to heal him and make him well.  Many times when Carter has been afraid or sick our first step is to pray for help or healing from God. 

When I started to feel better I went and got antibiotics from the doctor for a sinus infection.  I know that these meds will cure my short term illness.  I knew at the beginning of the day it was the answer I needed.  Yet even possessing that knowledge, I still had felt so much fear.  

It made no sense. 

When I heard the news that I had suffered a huge hearing loss with no explanation and no plan of treatment, I prayed nothing.  I felt no urging, no fear and yet also no strength.  I simply was. 

Even now, through all the appointments and a week and a half into it the desire to ask for prayers is limited to asking for strength.  Nothing in me is asking for or desiring healing.  I don't understand it.  I don't want to be deaf.  I don't want to change my life dramatically.  I don't want this to be something that passes onto my children.  But in spite of those things, I am not afraid. 

I am sure I will talk about this over and over.  I don't know if I will ever understand it and at some point when my hearing starts to fade I have a feeling this peace could go with it...but right now I am going to cling to it like the life preserver it is.