Thursday, December 13, 2012

Somethings Changing

Somethings changing.

Up until this point I kept feeling like I was standing in a permanent long line of people.  A line so long that the multitudes of individuals spanned the size of a football field and there was no end in sight.   A line I was waiting in to get my ears re-checked.  A line I wasn't annoyed by but rather took comfort in because of the great length and massive number of people.  A line that only had one flaw, I had no idea when it might end. 

Timeline - unknown. 

I believe that I feel that way because I know that I will never have an the answer of why...I am instead obsessing over the question of when...

But now I am not so sure I even want to know that. 

Today I want to go back to that line and wait.....patiently. 

Somethings, changing.

I'm just going to come right out and say it,

I can't hear very well out of my left ear right now. 

I think I noticed it about four days ago when it seemed instantly that my world went from clear to cloudy. 
Cloudy, as in I couldn't even understand Chris when he was talking.

The conversation was on Monday and I remember feeling instantly frustrated with myself and honestly a bit irritated with him.  I thought perhaps he wasn't talking loud enough for me to hear him.  The dialogue went a little bit like this from my perspective...

(Forgive the Peanuts pun but I just can't help myself! LOL)
Chris, in normal tone:  "wah wah wah wah wah"

Me, slightly irritated:  "What?"

Chris, a bit frustrated:  "wah wah wah wah wah"

Me, annoyed:  "Chris you are going to have to speak louder I can't hear you!"

Chris, laughing now:  "Put in your hearing aids."

Immediately my hand flew up to my ears.

Me, whispering confused:  "They are in."

Chris, pausing and replying gently:  "Oh."

And since Chris isn't one to linger long in silence he immediately carried on with what he was saying pulling me in for a hug as he did so.  This time I didn't hear what he was saying not because I couldn't hear him but because my mind was on overdrive as it sped through all of the possibilities of what this meant.

My first thought was that perhaps it was just another hearing aid issue. 

But since that day I have checked, cleaned and re-checked my hearing aids both of which seem to be functioning just fine.  Since that day I have repeatedly not understood what my family or the the TV was saying.  Since that day I have remained living in denial.  Continuing on, pushing the worry down and putting a lid on reality so I can save that for later when I think I can handle it. 

But two nights ago the lid popped off and I had to admit something was going on. 

Chris and I were watching TV and I had no clue what was going on in the show.  This familiar annoyance was not welcomed at all.  It is simply beyond frustrating to be watching something that you cannot follow the story line of.  It makes you feel stupid and leaves whatever the point of the show was unresolved.  In an effort to hear better we continually turned up the volume only to be reminded that no matter how loud it was the English language of sounds was lost on me.

DAMN IT!!!!!!  Yes, that's me screaming here not that night.  Forgive me readers but I need to yell in order to air out my frustration and be angry for a moment. 

Do you know how aggravating it is to have my eight year old talk directly into my ear and STILL not be able to understand what he said? 

It sucks!

I'm annoyed!

I'm scared!

And I feel a bit beat up. 

Even more so than when I first found out.  I think it's because I passed the first few tests without any change and I stupidly believed I was getting better.  I'm pretty sure I thought that my hearing had leveled out.  That nothing else was going to happen and the hearing aids had solved the problem.

Oh how quickly we believe a beautiful lie. 

I called the office and got in next Tuesday.  I will have a hearing test and then a hearing aid adjustment.  I'm thinking back to the first time she fitted me for the aids when she told me that there would be times I needed them adjusted.  Maybe it's OK, maybe this is normal.  All day long I have wrestled with myself as my mind keeps telling me its better and that the last few days were just a fluke.  Could be I guess.  Maybe I have a head cold but I feel fine.  Or perhaps there was a glitch with my left aid that has magically fixed itself now.  But more than likely I have once again just adjusted to the change. 

Somethings changing. 

I guess I will know soon enough what it is. 


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

One Day More


I, in general, hate routine.

Some of you may think this is odd considering I map out my life by the timing of Chase's sleeping patterns just like I always did with Carter. 

But that's not routine.  That is self preservation!

About the only place I go by some assemblance of routine is at work.  But it is never the same day twice in the food industry so it really doesn't ever feel like repeating. 

Carter LOVES routine.  He loves the boundaries of knowing what will be happening from one minute to the next.  When Carter's routine gets changed he doesn't like it very much. 

Chris definitely likes routine, a military guy always does!

Chase is still up in the air.  I hope he has a little bit of my spontaneity mixed with the boys love of routine to give him the right amount of balance.

Routine (insert sigh) I can never even buy the same eyeshadow twice!

Obviously then I'm the type of person that rarely ever watches a movie more than once.  In fact I think I've asked for a DVD as a present maybe three times in my life and then after receiving them I went on to watch them a whopping one time.  As an adult the act of re watching something that I already know the ending to is completely lost on me.  I simply don't have time for that.  Maybe one day when I'm older and find I have this thing called "spare time" then I will appreciate a DVD.  (Don't hate me movie buffs!) 

Kid movies are of course the exception to this rule.  I mean as a mother, how could they not be!  I think I could recite Cars, The Bee Movie, Tangled, Nim's Island, etc.   Again, self preservation, can I get an Amen? 

My dislike of watching the same thing goes even further when you talk about TV shows.   In the re-run area I will only watch Friends.  I think this is because to me that is more about remembering a period in my life rather than knowing how the show ends.   

With books it's more of the same thing, I only have one book I have ever read again.  It is my favorite book which I read about once every year or so.  Trip To The Stars by Nicolas Christopher.  It is the only book that I have read every word and still forget where the story might be going. 

Yet quite contradictory to all of that if you check my MP3 history you will see that I can sit and listen to the same song over and over for an hour straight without getting tired of it and I have seen several musicals multiple times. 

Les Miserable is my all time favorite and at seeing it five times it leaves me confident that I will never grow tired of being caught up in the story.

Tonight was no exception. 

As Chris and I got ready to go out to see the show my mind wandered back over the past twenty years since the first time Les Miserable entered my life. As a young teenager my mother took me to see the touring production once in Kansas City and once in Chicago.  I instantly fell in love with Eponine and the song "On My Own".  I identified with her fixation on true love and her commitment to it no matter the obstacles.

On Chris and I's one year anniversary we saw the show on Broadway!  I again, loved Eponine because her love for Marius was born of friendship much like Chris and I got our start. 

Ten years ago we saw the production live in London and that night was nothing short of magical.  With Big Ben and Trafalgar Square as our backdrop we leisurely ate at a quaint Italian bistro, drank just the right amount of red wine, walked to the show down cobblestone streets, and then took a rickshaw ride back to our hotel. 

That time my favorite song was "One Day More."   I remember that it had only been shortly before that trip that we found out our struggle with conception was more than others and would require medical intervention.  I remember the song pumping me full of the feeling that I was geared up to fight, ready to wage war against myself, my expectations and the future look of my life without children.  I was motivated by it, urged not to give up or give in to the worries of that strife.  I was also reminded that my husband had just recently rejoined the Army and that soon we would be spending some time apart as the two lovers sing about in that song. 

Last night as we sat in the auditorium waiting for the show to start I held my breath in anticipation.  So many years had past and I felt older, wiser, stronger and more vulnerable all in one instant.  Ten years was a long time and over that course of years, months and hours our family had changed dramatically.  Chris had fought in two wars, we had moved three times and we were greatly blessed with two beautiful boys.  Oh yeah and my hearing started to fade.  An ever conscious thought in my mind. 

As the music started with the opening song I knew...this year would be about

Jean Valjean 

I was a parent now and a wife of war.  I knew what it was like to live for a child and to wish someone a safe return from war.  "Bring Him Home" silenced the crowd and resonated with me like never before.  This music, this amazing sound of beauty just kept moving around me with such comfort and peace. 

I was thankful for these actors and their beautiful voices and I was humbled by my ability to hear and enjoy such a sound.  

I had decided to leave my hearing aids in even though I could have taken them out as I do in movies. 

But I would never voluntarily choose to quiet that sound. 

As long as I can still hear it,  I want to feel immersed in it. 

The music was so loud it was as if I was listening through headphones which allowed me to simply sit and be blessed by such a peace delivering sound.  And as "One Day More" drummed along I was reminded about our ability to fight through struggles of any kind.  Sheer gratefulness flooded my soul. 

First, for my husband sitting beside me....alive.

Second, for the two children each one whom I waited on for seven long years. 

Third, for the ability to hear.


My life is anything but. 

Yet despite today, tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store, One Day More!