Thursday, December 13, 2012

Somethings Changing

Somethings changing.

Up until this point I kept feeling like I was standing in a permanent long line of people.  A line so long that the multitudes of individuals spanned the size of a football field and there was no end in sight.   A line I was waiting in to get my ears re-checked.  A line I wasn't annoyed by but rather took comfort in because of the great length and massive number of people.  A line that only had one flaw, I had no idea when it might end. 

Timeline - unknown. 

I believe that I feel that way because I know that I will never have an the answer of why...I am instead obsessing over the question of when...

But now I am not so sure I even want to know that. 

Today I want to go back to that line and wait.....patiently. 

Somethings, changing.

I'm just going to come right out and say it,

I can't hear very well out of my left ear right now. 

I think I noticed it about four days ago when it seemed instantly that my world went from clear to cloudy. 
Cloudy, as in I couldn't even understand Chris when he was talking.

The conversation was on Monday and I remember feeling instantly frustrated with myself and honestly a bit irritated with him.  I thought perhaps he wasn't talking loud enough for me to hear him.  The dialogue went a little bit like this from my perspective...

(Forgive the Peanuts pun but I just can't help myself! LOL)
Chris, in normal tone:  "wah wah wah wah wah"

Me, slightly irritated:  "What?"

Chris, a bit frustrated:  "wah wah wah wah wah"

Me, annoyed:  "Chris you are going to have to speak louder I can't hear you!"

Chris, laughing now:  "Put in your hearing aids."

Immediately my hand flew up to my ears.

Me, whispering confused:  "They are in."

Chris, pausing and replying gently:  "Oh."


And since Chris isn't one to linger long in silence he immediately carried on with what he was saying pulling me in for a hug as he did so.  This time I didn't hear what he was saying not because I couldn't hear him but because my mind was on overdrive as it sped through all of the possibilities of what this meant.

My first thought was that perhaps it was just another hearing aid issue. 

But since that day I have checked, cleaned and re-checked my hearing aids both of which seem to be functioning just fine.  Since that day I have repeatedly not understood what my family or the the TV was saying.  Since that day I have remained living in denial.  Continuing on, pushing the worry down and putting a lid on reality so I can save that for later when I think I can handle it. 

But two nights ago the lid popped off and I had to admit something was going on. 

Chris and I were watching TV and I had no clue what was going on in the show.  This familiar annoyance was not welcomed at all.  It is simply beyond frustrating to be watching something that you cannot follow the story line of.  It makes you feel stupid and leaves whatever the point of the show was unresolved.  In an effort to hear better we continually turned up the volume only to be reminded that no matter how loud it was the English language of sounds was lost on me.

DAMN IT!!!!!!  Yes, that's me screaming here not that night.  Forgive me readers but I need to yell in order to air out my frustration and be angry for a moment. 

Do you know how aggravating it is to have my eight year old talk directly into my ear and STILL not be able to understand what he said? 

It sucks!

I'm annoyed!

I'm scared!

And I feel a bit beat up. 

Even more so than when I first found out.  I think it's because I passed the first few tests without any change and I stupidly believed I was getting better.  I'm pretty sure I thought that my hearing had leveled out.  That nothing else was going to happen and the hearing aids had solved the problem.

Oh how quickly we believe a beautiful lie. 

I called the office and got in next Tuesday.  I will have a hearing test and then a hearing aid adjustment.  I'm thinking back to the first time she fitted me for the aids when she told me that there would be times I needed them adjusted.  Maybe it's OK, maybe this is normal.  All day long I have wrestled with myself as my mind keeps telling me its better and that the last few days were just a fluke.  Could be I guess.  Maybe I have a head cold but I feel fine.  Or perhaps there was a glitch with my left aid that has magically fixed itself now.  But more than likely I have once again just adjusted to the change. 

Somethings changing. 

I guess I will know soon enough what it is.