Sunday, March 10, 2013

We unknowingly adapt

As a writer you imagine your environment within the context of a story or picture placed in your mind without your knowledge.  For me I always saw a sort of tortured desk bare of drawers, shelves or computers.  A worn out white washed writer's desk with a vase of flowers, a couple of my favorite well worn books stacked in the corner (usually collecting some dust), and a journal/pen combo placed neatly in the center.  My beverage of choice sits off to the right of the notebook captured in the silhouette of the window giving bloom to green grass, bright sun and sounds of laughter in the air.  The chair is a wooden swivel style possibly pear green with a floral cushion. 

I am calm there and without any pressure the words flow from me without control or reason but somehow they are brilliant.  It is important to note that this image has been in my head since I was a young girl.  Probably I saw it on a movie at some point or read about it in a book. 

Many of years has been spent procrastinating as I try and find my place in the house.  Paint has been spilled, rooms re-decorated and heavy objects moved all for the sake of my outlet.  Despite all of this, I have done some of my best writing outside on a laptop or while taking a walk and verbally recording my words.  It still never stops my search for that one special area that is all mine to cherish.  The place where my kids can look at and say, "Mommy writes there." 

This week I found my "desk" in the shape of something I never imagined.  A lap top, my kitchen bar-stool and my ear buds.   

Admittedly the kitchen has always been my most sacred room in the house.  I love the silver, black and greys as they bounce off the warm mustard orange walls.  I love that family happens here around food, amongst the dishes and through the basic need to be cared for.  Carter's grade cards proudly hanging on the fridge, Chase's learning magnets scattered along the bottom door and a new addition to the eclectic group a new 10 week sonogram picture.

Oh my goodness all of that just to say I'm pregnant again?!!!

No, rather to say that life changes at a rapid pace.  Faster than I think we really know and in the wake of the challenges and surprises we unknowingly adapt.  I found this writing place in the central area of the house, the hub of everything that happens and amidst what looks like chaos to everyone else I have calm.  Our third baby is on the way and I feel a peace like never before.

Chris and I always wanted and saw our life with three children until the infertility problems began.  After seven years of not getting pregnant we unknowingly altered our family picture to a desperate plea for just one.  With the arrival of Carter and the blessing of motherhood I still felt the ache to add to our family but once again after seven years of trying everything but IVF and even beginning the adoption process God gave us Chase.  The love I feel for these boys is tremendous.  Fourteen years is a long time to work at something and as with long trials, the reward seems that much sweeter.

I knew one thing after having Chase, if we were going to have another child I did not want to wait another seven years.  It was more of an age thing for Chris and I than anything else.  So, knowing our history I pretty much put the idea to rest.

Two years later to the day I fell pregnant with baby number three.  Amazing. 

Truly at 21 when I was newly married I never would have imagined the age split like this.  I always wanted to have my children young but looking back I see how this fits me better.  This is the family I was always meant to have.

Just like this stool and Chris' laptop were meant to be my sacred writing place at this time in my life.

I still picture that same desk, I can even see it with my eyes closed.  My pursuance of this space will probably never end but by the time it makes sense in my life the chances are I won't have the need.  Yet right now in its absence it fills a necessary space because it fuels my dreams and creativity.

In future posts I am going to talk about pregnancy with regards to my hearing but for today I just wanted it to be about the new baby!