Sunday, April 14, 2013

I'm not comfortable as "this" me but sometimes it is necessary so that I may journey on.

This week has been one of "those" five days, you know the ones I mean, the type you would like to forget.  Some people might deal with it by yelling out "Margarita time!" and head out to the beach.  Others want to open up a nice aged bottle of wine while sitting peacefully in their home.   Some head straight to the nearest bar and order up their favorite draft beer.  All three of those options sound good to me, if I wasn't pregnant.  :)  Instead, after putting Chase to bed I have a good cry.  An emotional, pregnant hormone filled sob fest that I am not proud but feels so good.

If my life was a cartoon you would have seen the sane part of me in ghost form as she stood shaking her head and wagging her finger disgusted by my total lack of control. The irrational ghost side would simply be sitting and laughing uncontrollably.  At the sound of both of them I would have wiped my tears away and then knocked them both out with my silly rubber hammer.  Unfortunately that only works on TV.

So what was so crazy about this past week?  Tons of stuff that was completely unimportant and not worth my time.  You see, problems at work yeah they are annoying but in the grand scheme of life they don't mean anything.  Pressure of owning our own business is great but all of it, no matter how stressful and complicated doesn't even begin to compare with that which was my mishap with Carter. 

And so, here it is:

Earlier this week, on my day off I was working around the house and playing with Chase when the phone rang.  I answered not knowing the number but grateful it was local, a safe bet not to be some sort of solicitation. 

"Tara?"

"Yes?"  I do not recognize the voice.

"Hi this is wha wha my son wha wha would like to invite Carter for a sleepover this Friday, we live just down the street." 

Immediately because I can not understand her name or the child's my brain begins running though a list of the boys Carter talks about from school who live in the neighborhood.  Unfortunately no one comes to mind that matches what I thought was said.

"I'm sorry I have trouble hearing, did you say Derrick?"  I felt like a complete boob.  I sounded like I was crazy I mean who can't hear with the phone up to your ear? 

Oh yeah, me. 

"Yes, wha wha wanted to ask Carter over, even though it is late notice would he like to come?"  Her voice gave way that she was a bit concerned and just might be regretting the call.

I might have obsessed more about the uncertainty in her tone except I was really too busy trying with all of my might to place this person in some kind of context.  Who was Derrick?  Did I know a Derrick in his class that lives in this area? 

And then it hits me,  Merrick.  Merrick has been in Carter's class since Kindergarten and lives in the neighborhood.  A feeling of relief floods through me. 

"Well sure, I will definitely talk to Carter about it this afternoon and let you know."   Cringing I added quickly, "What was your name again?" 

I know it added nothing to my credibility but I needed to know this persons name if my son was going to stay the night at her house!

"Amy." 

Thank the Lord.

"Great Amy I will get back to you."

"OK, and you can just text me."

Ha.  

Brilliant.

Later that day I ask Carter about the call and if Merrick said anything during class.  He shrugs his shoulders replying quickly no but emphatically yes that he would indeed go on the play date.  I text our acceptance and then let it go. 

Flash forward to today.  Friday.  Play date day.  I am armed with their address as we head out the door.  Carter is pumped about connecting his tablet with Merrick's and I am happy he is excited.  As we near the house Carter starts waving to another friend that is playing outside.

"Hey mom that's my friend from the bus!"

"Oh cool!"  I reply distracted.  "Can you help me look for the house number?"

"Sure mom but I think you just passed it."   He exclaims with his finger pointing out the window.

"Really?"  I craned my neck backwards to confirm his deduction.

"Yeah, the one right there where Jared is playing outside with his brothers."

I slammed on the breaks.  You see, it was at that moment I knew.

JARED!

Not Derrick.

Not Merrick.

Jared.

I look at my 8 year old through the rear view mirror and I am mortified.  Is this really happening?  Did I screw this up? 

"Do you really know Jared?"  I ask still unsure of what my mind was confirming now made the most sense.

"Yeah, I sit by him on the bus a lot and he is in my class."  Carter's head bobs up and down for emphasis.

I am so very embarrassed to have to open my mouth again.  I wish there was another way to make this appear not to be a mix up but there really was not anything to be said but the truth.

"Mommy made a mistake sweetheart,  I thought the play date was with Merrick but it must be with Jared.  Is that OK?"  My eyes are glued on him hoping that this is not going to be a huge deal.

"Yeah." he responded timidly.

I shake my head in frustration and turn the car around.  Carter is the type of boy who plans, plots and sets up expectations in his mind.  I know at this moment he is desperately trying to rework the image he had held just seconds before. I am unsure whether or not it is working.

As I pull into the driveway of what is most definitely the address that waso on the text to me AND Jared's house I get out and open the door for Carter. 

"Are you sure you are OK with this?"  I look down into the bright blue eyes of my first born son.

"Yes mom."  And this time he sounds like himself. 

I sigh as I walk up to meet his dad because I still feel so out of sorts and disappointed in myself.  How could I have messed this up so badly?


Now, hours later as the baby sleeps and I am alone it really starts to bother me.  I'm angry because I made my son uncomfortable and I was completely confused about such a simple situation.  I want to scream in frustration from the failure and the fear as they mix in my mind causing me to re-think everything that was.  What will it be next?  What will I miss, what won't I hear?  What detail might slip by me that results in my life changing forever? 

I just finished a good book by Katherine Bouton called Shouting Won't Help.  She writes about her own journey through hearing loss.  It has a lot of informational points for someone who wants to learn more about technically, physically and mentally what happens as our hearing deteriorates.  I learned a lot.  Specifically about how acceptance and greif come and go just as easily as the wind. 

I'd say today I found myself in the valley of this.  In fact I'm still sitting there wallowing in the pit of what is sure to only get worse.  I'm not comfortable as "this" me.  I am the strong one who pushes through, gets by and moves forward in spite of life. 

But not for tonight, instead I will go against everything that feels normal and allow myself a moment to be sad.  

Because I know that tomorrow I will wake up renewed ready once again to journey on.