Friday, May 31, 2013

My "Fix"

Like a drug addict I stand fidgeting outside the audiologists office.  An unreasonable fear of doing too well on my hearing test begins to overwhelm me.  Irrational thoughts fill my mind like: Will she think I'm faking?  Will she send me home as if nothing is wrong?  I ponder how I would feel leaving without any type of volume increase.  Probably a bit shaky and on edge.  Belligerent also comes to mind.  I think I would be very defensive as I know that there is change happening and I feel like it needs to be acknowledged.

To put it simply I needed a "fix".

Though no track marks line my arms the need for a tune up was very powerful because I know as soon as they are turned up I hear and feel normal.

In fact, a honeymoon phase begins as soon as I leave the office after an adjustment.  One where I pretend that none of this ever happened.  It is a point of escape.  Much like alcohol or drugs allowing my rational mind to take a back seat to something I know isn't real.  Usually, this surreal period fades within a week because by that time my mind compensates and adjusts to the louder volume leaving things sounding muted once again.

I am not sure what caused this revelation.  But it is for this very reason that I have skipped my last three hearing tests.

Until today.

Now as I wait uncomfortable in my own skin I see a cloudy image of me realizing that no artificial aid is going to restore my hearing 100%.  This is the fact that I have yet to come to terms with.

And despite understanding this concept I have been unwilling to accept it.

It may just be completely unreasonable to feel as if I cannot hear well and therefore run to the doctors office seeking an increase.

True reality is that the "fix" I need doesn't exist.

I will never again have perfect hearing.  It isn't the same as a pair of glasses that restores your sight in full.  No, this is only something that makes what I had before better.

Only better.  Not perfect.  Not 100%.  Only better.

I will never again have perfect hearing.

The answer then to my heal my hidden track marks is to accept this imperfection.  I hope that is something I can do.

It surely isn't what we teach in this world.  We are always striving for perfection sometimes missing the beautiful in the imperfection for the sake of image and appearance.

Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with wanting to better ourselves in almost any area of our life.  The problem lies within the obsession that almost inevitably follows.  Where the quest to be the best takes hold on our life and allows for nothing else to be entertained.

Every single one of us has a track mark of some kind because this life is hard.

I believe what truly defines a person is how they choose to deal with those scars.  Do you embrace them and move forward or do you spend all of your time trying to cover them up so others do not see.

We can't wrap up our lives in a neat and tidy box.

I will never again have perfect hearing.   Scar revealed.  Box disheveled.  Imperfection reflected.  Life moving forward.