Monday, May 5, 2014

Peace Does Not Always Equate To Passiveness - Likewise War Does Not Always Breed Productivity

Peace does not always equate to passiveness - likewise war does not always breed productivity.

I grew up believing the very opposite of that.  I absolutely felt as if peace equated to passiveness and that only through a steady hum of fighting we were able to keep control over every situation in our lives.  That the desire to better oneself needed to born out of urgency or you simply let opportunities pass you by.

Because of those beliefs I have lived a very stress filled life in quite a hurried fashion. By being the type of person who likes to know something first. By always planning every minute of everyday in an effort to keep everything running smoothly and within certain time parameters.  By HATING being late.

I drive myself into a hole of expectations that is not only unattainable and unrealistic but toxic. If I do not feel stressed out and project that urgent vibe onto others then I feel as if I am not doing my job.  That current alone is all it takes to make me feel like nothing is ever enough.  So, instead of celebrating and looking back over my day in the evening, I will sit already lost in the planning of tomorrow. 

And I now know that I was hiding.  It is so easy to do isn't it?  To hide in chaos or noise.  To push aside emotion in an effort to keep on task.

Losing my hearing has created an item that does not fit into that "controllable" category which in turn has thrown off my internal axis.  Immediately my mind started to question how I would live with something so constantly unpredictable.  That was when all of the above began to unravel one string at a time.

I was going to have to be a passive passenger and somehow be OK with that.

Chris and I were just discussing this topic last night.  I was reflecting that if I receive bad, or life changing news I respond with an undeniable calm.  In my mind I begin to instantly challenge myself to rise to the task or occasion through various steps and expectations that give me the ability to feign control.

But when something small breaks down I completely fall apart.  It is like I am OK leaving the path to fate as long as I can control the road with which I walk upon.  For example, redirect my route and I adjust like a GPS but throw construction on a road without a prior warning and everything comes to a screeching halt.

Using this blog has been a way to help me through that.  By giving me a voice it helps me feel some sense of control inside of an uncontrollable issue.   And through this outlet I began to realize that just because losing my hearing was not what I would have chosen or designed for my life that it could still be something beneficial.  That during my passive ride I could have time to do other things and most importantly that in this gift of peace I could actually be more productive.

In the peace I can be productive.

I feel truly privileged to have this space to write and be simply, me.  Thank you for giving my inner ramblings a place to surface.  Most of the time items here on the blog will be those that bother me.  Writing has always been a good way for me to work though things.  However I don't want the happy moments to get sidelined or forgotten because the truth is my life is good and I have never felt more blessed by the people around me.  I am continually impacted by their ability to love, support and walk with me on this journey.   I wanted to take this time to say how much I appreciate those closest to me and the ways that they accommodate my issue.

Especially Chris, who gallantly rescues me from a hearing blunder at least once a day in several various settings such as these:

Bailing out Carter from repeating what he said to me.
Deciphering Chases' two year old speak.
Letting me know when Caitlyn is crying.
Asking curiously, what is that beeping? 
Nudging my acceptance of the issue through laughter.
Encouraging me to continue to take risks.

And then there is my amazing son Carter.  He is a wonderful child but I can see that out of everyone else in my life he truly feels the next level of frustration.  It is a hurdle for both of us that I have to look directly in his face to grasp what he is saying but as his voice deepens I hope this will improve.  He also gives me signals and nudges when sounds are not serving their purpose with me. 

My parents and family uplift me with their concern and prayers.  Their everyday discussions about my hearing make it seem so much more normal and a part of not just my life, but theirs.  I am honored that they love me enough to reach out in this way.

My friends (from those who I see regularly to those that I only talk to online) provide so much emotional support I have to thank them for being a safety net when I am outside of my home and away from my comfort zone.

Thank you to those I interact with daily as I know how frustrating it can be.  I want you to know that it is a compliment of the highest level if I am asking you to repeat.  It means I truly care about our conversation and want to make sure I understand you completely.

As I have mentioned before, I feel whole and at peace even in the midst of this.  My network of support and belief in God has facilitated this attitude.  Which is why I believe that I am able to be so open and honest on this blog and remain mentally healthy through this journey. 

 I now know that anxiety and fear do not need to be the motivating factor in your desire to live.  Drive can also come from a place of peace if you can find it.